On the Journey Toward Being Vulnerable

I was recently involved in a serious conflict with some members of my community. During the conflict I was blind to how my behaviour was contributing to the difficulty. I was so sure I was right that I excused my own destructive actions as necessary to correct what I believed was a wrong decision. I was fighting so hard to maintain my place in the community that I eventually lost my place because it became so difficult to work with me.
As time passes, I am becoming aware that underneath my anger and self-righteousness was my fear of being vulnerable. If I could have announced to those with whom I was in conflict (or if they had recognised it!) that I was feeling vulnerable about losing my place in the community, I would not have grown angry and the conflict may have become an opportunity for a conversation about change. It is a lesson hard won, with lots of blood on the tracks.
Friends tell me that this breakage will one day be fruitful and is what needed to be, which makes me angry! But this time I recognise that my anger is a camouflage of my fear of accepting just how vulnerable my whole life really is. And when I touch that vulnerability, I know that it is a call to abandon myself more completely into the mystery of life, which of course makes me angry!

- Joe Vorstermans