On the Journey Towards Accepting my Fears

My fears are woven into the very fabric of my being. I am only willing to articulate them in the presence of a few close people. I fear of my own anger and the loss of control. I fear running out of money and losing my good health. I fear the death of my wife and children and selfishly, the death of my father, because then I will become the elder of the family. Almost every morning I ask God to help me recognize my fears and live beyond them and in spite of them.
When I confront some of these fears, I do feel empowered. I feel that the heavily vaulted door to my heart has been replaced by a simple permeable membrane. And while I feel vulnerable, I know vulnerability is the human condition we wish to achieve without seeing ourselves as fragile.
Recently I have been able to tell my wife about my fears. To be 63 and still afraid of much of life is both a curse and a blessing. The curse is knowing how much growth must still take place before I am content with "me." The blessing is in knowing that I am alive and just like other people.
Sometimes, in my fear of becoming incapacitated or reduced to less than the self I want to be, I find myself acting out of my fears. At these times I choose not to take chances that would enhance my life. At other times, when fear is at bay, I willingly step out of my proscribed self and speak out for myself as well as for others.
I am wrestling with these issues daily and making progress. On the outside I am the fearless warrior for the "other," while at the same time I am hoping that someone will do battle for me! I am coming to know that finally, I am the one who must slay my own fears. At the end of the day, I thank God for standing with me throughout my daily journey.

- Albert Lewis