On The Journey Towards Forgiveness

I was going through a difficult time, dealing with one of life's traumas, when a close family member abandoned me. Or so I thought. That was seven years ago, maybe eight, and I have held a grudge ever since. The trauma has passed, but my anger hasn't.
I still allow my anger to discolour all of my feelings about him. Many days I actually enjoy the smug, angry feelings, which make me feel powerful. How? Please don't ask, because I am embarrassed about freely harbouring such bitterness. I don't know why I choose to cling to a toxic resentment that often keeps my shoulders and stomach oh so tense when I'm around him.
I have another choice - a choice to forgive. For my own sake, I should. I know that my act of forgiving would take me by the hand to a more tranquil place. But in this broken relationship, I prefer suffering from self-inflicted feelings to taking the simple step of saying "I forgive you."
The appropriate cliché would be to tell you that, at last, I've decided to forgive him. But I haven't. I still suffer in that unpleasant place between problem and resolution. I know I will stay there until I choose to leave. This is no longer about what the other person did to me. It's about what I must learn as I cling to bitterness. Only my heart can show me the way, even as my head rattles with resentful thoughts. The question, then, is this: Do I have the humility to listen to my heart, which so desperately seeks peace?

by Ed Wojcicki