An Honest Being-With

Being with a friend in great pain is not easy. It makes us uncomfortable. We do not know what to do or what to say, and we worry about how to respond to what we hear. Our temptation is to say things that come more out of our own fear than out of our care for the person in pain. Sometimes we say things like "Well, you're doing a lot better than yesterday," or "You will soon be your old self again," or "I'm sure you will get over this." But often we know that what we're saying is not true, and our friends know it too.
We do not have to play games with each other. We can simply say: "I am your friend, I am happy to be with you." We can say that in words or with touch or with loving silence. Sometimes it is good to say: "You don't have to talk. Just close your eyes. I am here with you, thinking of you, praying for you, loving you."

by Henri Nouwen

The Grace Of Humour

As Christians, we are people of the resurrection, therefore we are people who love to laugh, who believe that laughter is a wonderfully life-giving, defiant act full of the grace of God. Easter is that which enables us to keep going, even in our moral failures, even when being a servant of the Word is difficult. Those who have kept at the Christian ministry longer than I will confirm the essential virtue of humour... The ability to laugh at life's incongruities, to take God seriously but not ourselves, to embrace the strangeness of [other] people instead of strangling them to death with our bare hands - this is great grace... Humour is the grace to put our problems in perspective,... to be reminded that Jesus really did need to save us, seeing as we have so little means to save ourselves. Humour is just a glimpse, on a human scale, of the way God looks upon us from God's unfathomable grace. By the resurrection, the gospel is enabled to be comedy and not tragedy.

- U. M. Bishop William Willimon

Bringing the Spirit Through Leaving

It is often in our absence that the Spirit of God manifests itself. When Jesus left his disciples he said: "It is for your own good that I am going, because unless I go, the Paraclete [the Spirit] will not come to you. However, when the Spirit of truth comes he will lead you to the complete truth" (John 16: 7;13). It was only in Jesus' absence that his friends discovered the full meaning of his presence. It was only in his absence that they completely understood his words and experienced full communion with him; and it was only in his absence that they could gather in a community of faith, hope, and love.
When we claim for ourselves that we come to our friends in the Name of Jesus - that through us Jesus becomes present to them - we can trust that our leaving will also bring them the Spirit of Jesus. Thus, not only our presence but also our absence becomes a gift to others.

by Henri Nouwen

Absence That Creates Presence

It is good to visit people who are sick, dying, shut in, handicapped, or lonely. But it is also important not to feel guilty when our visits have to be short or can only happen occasionally. Often we are so apologetic about our limitations that our apologies prevent us from really being with the other when we are there. A short time fully present to a sick person is much better than a long time with many explanations of why we are too busy to come more often.
If we are able to be fully present to our friends when we are with them, our absence too will bear many fruits. Our friends will say: "He visited me" or "She visited me," and discover in our absence the lasting grace of our presence.

by Henri Nouwen

The Spirit of Jesus Listening in Us

Listening in the spiritual life is much more than a psychological strategy to help others discover themselves. In the spiritual life the listener is not the ego, which would like to speak but is trained to restrain itself, but the Spirit of God within us. When we are baptised in the Spirit - that is, when we have received the Spirit of Jesus as the breath of God breathing within us - that Spirit creates in us a sacred space where the other can be received and listened to. The Spirit of Jesus prays in us and listens in us to all who come to us with their sufferings and pains.
When we dare to fully trust in the power of God's Spirit listening in us, we will see true healing occur.

by Henri Nouwen

Listening as Spiritual Hospitality

To listen is very hard, because it asks of us so much interior stability that we no longer need to prove ourselves by speeches, arguments, statements, or declarations. True listeners no longer have an inner need to make their presence known. They are free to receive, to welcome, to accept.
Listening is much more than allowing another to talk while waiting for a chance to respond. Listening is paying full attention to others and welcoming them into our very beings. The beauty of listening is that, those who are listened to start feeling accepted, start taking their words more seriously and discovering their own true selves. Listening is a form of spiritual hospitality by which you invite strangers to become friends, to get to know their inner selves more fully, and even to dare to be silent with you.

by Henri Nouwen

Our Unique Call

So many terrible things happen every day that we start wondering whether the few things we do ourselves make any sense. When people are starving only a few thousand miles away, when wars are raging close to our borders, when countless people in our own cities have no homes to live in, our own activities look futile. Such considerations, however, can paralyse us and depress us.
Here the word call becomes important. We are not called to save the world, solve all problems, and help all people. But we each have our own unique call, in our families, in our work, in our world. We have to keep asking God to help us see clearly what our call is and to give us the strength to live out that call with trust. Then we will discover that our faithfulness to a small task is the most healing response to the illnesses of our time.

by Henri Nouwen

On The Journey Towards Forgiveness

I was going through a difficult time, dealing with one of life's traumas, when a close family member abandoned me. Or so I thought. That was seven years ago, maybe eight, and I have held a grudge ever since. The trauma has passed, but my anger hasn't.
I still allow my anger to discolour all of my feelings about him. Many days I actually enjoy the smug, angry feelings, which make me feel powerful. How? Please don't ask, because I am embarrassed about freely harbouring such bitterness. I don't know why I choose to cling to a toxic resentment that often keeps my shoulders and stomach oh so tense when I'm around him.
I have another choice - a choice to forgive. For my own sake, I should. I know that my act of forgiving would take me by the hand to a more tranquil place. But in this broken relationship, I prefer suffering from self-inflicted feelings to taking the simple step of saying "I forgive you."
The appropriate cliché would be to tell you that, at last, I've decided to forgive him. But I haven't. I still suffer in that unpleasant place between problem and resolution. I know I will stay there until I choose to leave. This is no longer about what the other person did to me. It's about what I must learn as I cling to bitterness. Only my heart can show me the way, even as my head rattles with resentful thoughts. The question, then, is this: Do I have the humility to listen to my heart, which so desperately seeks peace?

by Ed Wojcicki

Freedom from Judging, Freedom for Mercy

We spend an enormous amount of energy making up our minds about other people. Not a day goes by without somebody doing or saying something that evokes in us the need to form an opinion about him or her. We hear a lot, see a lot, and know a lot. The feeling that we have to sort it all out in our minds and make judgments about it can be quite oppressive.
The desert fathers said that judging others is a heavy burden, while being judged by others is a light one. Once we can let go of our need to judge others, we will experience an immense inner freedom. Once we are free from judging, we will be also free for mercy. Let's remember Jesus' words: "Do not judge, and you will not be judged" (Matthew 7:1).

by Henri Nouwen

Towards a Nonjudgmental Life

One of the hardest spiritual tasks is to live without prejudices. Sometimes we aren't even aware how deeply rooted our prejudices are. We may think that we relate to people who are different from us in colour, religion, sexual orientation, or lifestyle as equals, but in concrete circumstances our spontaneous thoughts, uncensored words, and knee-jerk reactions often reveal that our prejudices are still there.
Strangers, people different than we are, stir up fear, discomfort, suspicion, and hostility. They make us lose our sense of security just by being "other." Only when we fully claim that God loves us in an unconditional way and look at "those other persons" as equally loved can we begin to discover that the great variety in being human is an expression of the immense richness of God's heart. Then the need to prejudge people can gradually disappear.

by Henri Nouwen

The Great Gift of Parenthood

Children are their parents' guests. They come into the space that has been created for them, stay for a while - fifteen, twenty, or twenty-five years - and leave again to create their own space. Although parents speak about "our son" and "our daughter," their children are not their property. In many ways children are strangers. Parents have to come to know them, discover their strengths and their weaknesses, and guide them to maturity, allowing them to make their own decisions.
The greatest gift parents can give their children is their love for each other. Through that love they create an anxiety-free place for their children to grow, encouraging them to develop confidence in themselves and find the freedom to choose their own ways in life.

by Henri Nouwen

True Hospitality

Every good relationship between two or more people, whether it is friendship, marriage, or community, creates space where strangers can enter and become friends. Good relationships are hospitable. When we enter into a home and feel warmly welcomed, we will soon realise that the love among those who live in that home is what makes that welcome possible.
When there is conflict in the home, the guest is soon forced to choose sides. "Are you for him or for her?" "Do you agree with them or with us?" "Do you like him more than you do me?" These questions prevent true hospitality - that is, an opportunity for the stranger to feel safe and discover his or her own gifts. Hospitality is more than an expression of love for the guest. It is also and foremost an expression of love between the hosts.

by Henri Nouwen

So Great A Passion

My Lord Jesus Christ, two graces I beg of You before I die:
The first is that in my lifetime I may feel, in my soul and in my body, as far as possible, that sorrow which You, sweet Jesus, endured in the hour of Your most bitter passion.
The second is that I may feel in my heart, as far as possible, that abundance of love with which You, Son of God, were inflamed, so as willingly to endure so great a passion for us sinners.

- Francis of Assisi in "A Book of Personal Prayer"

Creating a Home Together

Many human relationships are like the interlocking fingers of two hands. Our loneliness makes us cling to each other, and this mutual clinging makes us suffer immensely because it does not take our loneliness away. But the harder we try, the more desperate we become. Many of these "interlocking" relationships fall apart because they become suffocating and oppressive. Human relationships are meant to be like two hands folded together. They can move away from each other while still touching with the fingertips. They can create space between themselves, a little tent, a home, a safe place to be.
True relationships among people point to God. They are like prayers in the world. Sometimes the hands that pray are fully touching, sometimes there is distance between them. They always move to and from each other, but they never lose touch. They keep praying to the One who brought them together.

by Henri Nouwen

Reflecting God's Perfect Love

God's love for us is everlasting. That means that God's love for us existed before we were born and will exist after we have died. It is an eternal love in which we are embraced. Living a spiritual life calls us to claim that eternal love for ourselves so that we can live our temporal loves - for parents, brothers, sisters, teachers, friends, spouses, and all people who become part of our lives - as reflections or refractions of God's eternal love. No fathers or mothers can love their children perfectly. No husbands or wives can love each other with unlimited love. There is no human love that is not broken somewhere.
When our broken love is the only love we can have, we are easily thrown into despair, but when we can live our broken love as a partial reflection of God's perfect, unconditional love, we can forgive one another our limitations and enjoy together the love we have to offer.

by Henri Nouwen

Known By God

"I will not forget you. See, I have inscribed you on the palms of My Hands..." (Isaiah 49:15b-16a)

What matters supremely, therefore, is not, in the last analysis, the fact that I know God, but the larger fact which underlies it - the fact that He knows me. I am graven on the palms of His hands; I am never out of His mind. All my knowledge of Him depends on His sustained initiative in knowing me. I know Him because He first knew me and continues to know me. - J. I. Packer in "Knowing God"

- Jim Packer

God's faithfulness and Ours

When God makes a covenant with us, God says: "I will love you with an everlasting love. I will be faithful to you, even when you run away from me, reject me, or betray me." In our society we don't speak much about covenants; we speak about contracts. When we make a contract with a person, we say: "I will fulfill my part as long as you fulfill yours. When you don't live up to your promises, I no longer have to live up to mine." Contracts are often broken because the partners are unwilling or unable to be faithful to their terms.
But God didn't make a contract with us; God made a covenant with us, and God wants our relationships with one another to reflect that covenant. That's why marriage, friendship, life in community are all ways to give visibility to God's faithfulness in our lives together.

by Henri Nouwen

God's Covenant

God made a covenant with us. The word covenant means "coming together." God wants to come together with us. In many of the stories in the Hebrew Bible, we see that God appears as a God who defends us against our enemies, protects us against dangers, and guides us to freedom. God is God-for-us. When Jesus comes a new dimension of the covenant is revealed. In Jesus, God is born, grows to maturity, lives, suffers, and dies as we do. God is God-with-us. Finally, when Jesus leaves he promises the Holy Spirit. In the Holy Spirit, God reveals the full depth of the covenant. God wants to be as close to us as our breath. God wants to breathe in us, so that all we say, think and do is completely inspired by God. God is God-within-us. Thus God's covenant reveals to us to how much God loves us.

by Henri Nouwen

On The Journey Towards Forgiveness

When the adrenaline of a birth with a "good outcome" wore off, I found myself at home with a three-month-old baby and a two-year-old. At this point the baby was up every hour. I was exhausted, physically and emotionally. There was no space for sleep, let alone solitude. This was when I discovered that I have an anger button I had not experienced before.
There were times when I was so angry I went into the garage and kicked the garbage cans. Then I would come back into the house, feeling some relief but still stewing. As for my children, after a little nap, they were ready to re-enter the relationship and begin anew. They accepted my apology and forgave me with eagerness and a willingness to trust me again. The baby would cozy up for a little suckle, and if I tried to dwell in my anger towards them, the toddler would look at me as if I was peculiar and egg me on to come and play with her.
Forgiveness and celebration are the staples in the diet of my children's emotional lives. It is by God's invitation that I eat at their table and share in community with them to learn about God's forgiveness and the immense joy God takes in God's children.

written by Sheilagh Ashworth

Hope In The Midst Of Tragedy

I cannot imagine what it would be like to endure a tragedy without the hope that God offers. Without Jesus Christ, there is no hope...
Of course, we Christians grieve when those we love are taken from us, but we do not grieve as those who have no hope. We do not believe that people cease to exist when they die; the Bible tell us that we will again see all those loved ones who put their faith in Christ. As Paul writes, "Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who die, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have died in Him" (1 Thessalonians. 4:13-14).
Hope is available to us, even in the midst of tragedy. And not only hope for eternal life, but hope of being reunited with those we love. Hope is available now, even in tragedy, because God has promised to walk with us through any disaster that might over take us.

- Luis Palau in "Where Is God When Bad Things Happen?"

Career Verses Calling

American society does not talk much about calling anymore. It is more likely to think in terms of career. Yet, for many people a career becomes the altar on which they sacrifice their lives. Benjamin Hunnicutt is a historian who specializes in the history of work at the University of Iowa. He notes that work has become our new religion, where we worship and give our time. As people's commitment to family, community, and faith are shrinking, they begin to look to their careers to provide them with meaning, connectedness identity, and esteem.
A calling, which is something I do FOR God, is replaced by a CAREER, which threatens to BECOME my god. A career is something I choose for myself; a calling is something I receive. A career is something I do for myself; a calling something I do for God. A career promises status, money, or power; a calling generally promises difficulty and even some suffering - and the opportunity to be used by God.

- John Ortberg in "If You Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to Get Out of the Boat"

Letting Go of Our Fear of God

We are afraid of emptiness. Spinoza speaks about our "horror vacui," our horrendous fear of vacancy. We like to occupy-fill up-every empty time and space. We want to be occupied. And if we are not occupied we easily become preoccupied; that is, we fill the empty spaces before we have even reached them. We fill them with our worries, saying, "But what if ..."
It is very hard to allow emptiness to exist in our lives. Emptiness requires a willingness not to be in control, a willingness to let something new and unexpected happen. It requires trust, surrender, and openness to guidance. God wants to dwell in our emptiness. But as long as we are afraid of God and God's actions in our lives, it is unlikely that we will offer our emptiness to God. Let's pray that we can let go of our fear of God and embrace God as the source of all love.

by Henri Nouwen

Creating Space for God

Discipline is the other side of discipleship. Discipleship without discipline is like waiting to run in the marathon without ever practicing. Discipline without discipleship is like always practicing for the marathon but never participating. It is important, however, to realize that discipline in the spiritual life is not the same as discipline in sports. Discipline in sports is the concentrated effort to master the body so that it can obey the mind better. Discipline in the spiritual life is the concentrated effort to create the space and time where God can become our master and where we can respond freely to God's guidance.
Thus, discipline is the creation of boundaries that keep time and space open for God. Solitude requires discipline, worship requires discipline, caring for others requires discipline. They all ask us to set apart a time and a place where God's gracious presence can be acknowledged and responded to.

by Henri Nouwen

Facing Our Mortality

We all have dreams about the perfect life: a life without pain, sadness, conflict, or war. The spiritual challenge is to experience glimpses of this perfect life right in the middle of our many struggles. By embracing the reality of our mortal life, we can get in touch with the eternal life that has been sown there. The apostle Paul expresses this powerfully when he writes: "We are subjected to every kind of hardship, but never distressed; we see no way out but we never despair; we are pursued but never cut off; knocked down, but still have some life in us; always we carry with us in our body the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus, too, may be visible in our ... mortal flesh" (2 Corinthians 4:8-12).
Only by facing our mortality can we come in touch with the life that transcends death. Our imperfections open for us the vision of the perfect life that God in and through Jesus has promised us.

by Henri Nouwen

Knowing God

The Bible tells us very clearly that to "know" God is not an affair of the mind only, but an act in which our whole being - heart, mind, and will - is vitally engaged; so that sheer intellectual speculation would enable us to form certain ideas about God but never to know Him. To be grasped, God's will must be met with a readiness to obey.

- Suzanne de Diétrich in "Discovering the Bible"

Hidden Greatness

There is much emphasis on notoriety and fame in our society. Our newspapers and television keep giving us the message: What counts is to be known, praised, and admired, whether you are a writer, an actor, a musician, or a politician.
Still, real greatness is often hidden, humble, simple, and unobtrusive. It is not easy to trust ourselves and our actions without public affirmation. We must have strong self-confidence combined with deep humility. Some of the greatest works of art and the most important works of peace were created by people who had no need for the limelight. They knew that what they were doing was their call, and they did it with great patience, perseverance, and love.

by Henri Nouwen

Bringing Our Secrets into the Light

We all have our secrets: thoughts, memories, feelings that we keep to ourselves. Often we think, "If people knew what I feel or think, they would not love me." These carefully kept secrets can do us much harm. They can make us feel guilty or ashamed and may lead us to self-rejection, depression, and even suicidal thoughts and actions.
One of the most important things we can do with our secrets is to share them in a safe place, with people we trust. When we have a good way to bring our secrets into the light and can look at them with others, we will quickly discover that we are not alone with our secrets and that our trusting friends will love us more deeply and more intimately than before. Bringing our secrets into the light creates community and inner healing. As a result of sharing secrets, not only will others love us better but we will love ourselves more fully.

by Henri Nouwen

On The Journey Towards Compassion

A good friend of mine said, "Compassion means to do things with passion." It is a definition that has stayed with me to this day.
In my third year at L'Arche Daybreak, a community that welcomes people with disabilities and assistants who desire to share life with them, I learned that a new man was being welcomed to the community and that I would be spending my days with him. Michael was then in the hospital, and I was asked to visit with him. On the way to the hospital, I was nervous; when the elevator arrived at his floor, my nervousness turned to anxiety. I went into his room and saw this very frail young man, visibly uncomfortable. I just stood beside him, and as I grew still I was aware of my compassion for Michael.
When the relationship began all was well; however, the excitement I felt getting to know him waned, and supporting him each day started to take its toll. Michael's frailty made me aware of my own weaknesses. I could feel my heart closing up, which saddened me deeply.
Michael and I shared our days for four years, and during this time a radical shift took place in our relationship. It became evident that Michael was taking on the role of the compassionate one towards me. I have vivid memories of our looking into each other's eyes and with his smile Michael telling me: "You are OK; I still love you." I sensed that he knew I was struggling and was able to accept me with a compassionate heart.
The time came for our lives to take different paths, but what I learned through my relationship with Michael will stay with me. As we both created room for each other, we both were able to give to each other the definition of compassion.

by Lorenzo Sforza-Cesarini

What Is Most Personal Is Most Universal

We like to make a distinction between our private and public lives and say, "Whatever I do in my private life is nobody else's business." But anyone trying to live a spiritual life will soon discover that the most personal is the most universal, the most hidden is the most public, and the most solitary is the most communal. What we live in the most intimate places of our beings is not just for us but for all people. That is why our inner lives are lives for others. That is why our solitude is a gift to our community, and that is why our most secret thoughts affect our common life.
Jesus says, "No one lights a lamp to put it under a tub; they put it on the lamp-stand where it shines for everyone in the house" (Matthew 5:14-15). The most inner light is a light for the world. Let's not have "double lives"; let us allow what we live in private to be known in public.

by Henri Nouwen

The Balance Between Closeness and Distance

Intimacy between people requires closeness as well as distance. It is like dancing. Sometimes we are very close, touching each other or holding each other; sometimes we move away from each other and let the space between us become an area where we can freely move.
To keep the right balance between closeness and distance requires hard work, especially since the needs of the partners may be quite different at a given moment. One might desire closeness while the other wants distance. One might want to be held while the other looks for independence. A perfect balance seldom occurs, but the honest and open search for that balance can give birth to a beautiful dance, worthy to behold.

by Henri Nouwen