Changes

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young woman stepped out. The father, said quietly to his boy, "Quick Son, go get your Mother."

Happiness

We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognising and appreciating what we do have.

- Frederick Keonig

Perseverance

When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

- Franklin D. Roosevelt -

Impatience

Americans are incredibly impatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.

- Jim Rohn

Opportunity

Opportunity often comes disguised in the form of misfortune or temporary defeat.

- Napoleon Hill -

Voices

Many people hear voices when no-one is there. Some of them are called mad and are shut up in rooms where they stare at the walls all day. Others are called writers and they do pretty much the same thing.

- Margaret Chittenden

Simplicity

It is a bit embarrassing to have been concerned with the human problem all one's life and find at the end that one has no more to offer by way of advice than "try to be a little kinder."

- Aldous Huxley

Knowledge

"How do you know so much about everything" was asked of a very wise and intelligent man; and the answer was "By never being afraid or ashamed to ask questions as to anything of which I was ignorant.

- John Abbott

Free Will

One of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the difficulty in finding someone to blame your troubles on. And when you do find someone, it's remarkable how often their picture turns up on your driver's license.

- P.J. O'Rourke

Being Creative With Troublesome Ancestry

You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example, let's say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.
A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus, showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture are the words:
"Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885. Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889."
Pretty grim situation, right? But let's revise things a bit. We simply crop the picture, scan in an enlarged image and edit it with image processing software so that all that is seen is a head shot.
Next, we rewrite the text:
"Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.
Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

source unknown

No Defence

Before we were married, my husband Derick and I attended the wedding of one of my co-workers. At the reception, Derick, a practical joker, continually tapped his glass (a tradition signalling the new couple to kiss). He intentionally did it when the bride and groom had food in their mouths or were on opposites sides of the room.
After the hundredth time, the groom decided he'd had enough. He walked past his bride, heading straight for us. Derick gathered up silverware to defend himself, but there was no defence against the groom's action - planting a big smooch on my embarrassed husband's cheek.
Nary a tinkle of glass was heard the rest of the reception.

source unknown

Death Row

A Scotsman and an Irishman on death row were scheduled for back to back executions. On the appointed day, the warden asked each if he had a last request.
"Yes, sir," the Scotsman said. "I'd really like to hear some bagpipe music one last time."
"And you?" the warden asked the Irishman.
"Please," the Irishman pleaded, "Kill me first."

Leadership

The challenge of leadership is to be strong, but not rude; be kind, but not weak; be bold, but not bully; be thoughtful, but not lazy; be humble, but not timid; be proud, but not arrogant; have humour, but without folly.

- Jim Rohn

Senility Acceptance?

God grant me the senility
to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run
into the ones I do,
and the eyesight
to tell the difference.

Desert Survival

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.
"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

Mountain Climbing

A party of economists was climbing in the Alps. After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the sun.
Finally he said, "OK see that big mountain over there?"
"Yes," answered the others eagerly.
"Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it."

An Important Act of Care

Because the soul has such deep roots in personal and social life and its values run so contrary to modern concerns, caring for the soul may well turn out to be a radical act, a challenge to accepted norms.

- Thomas Moore

Back to School...

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.
"In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."
"However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up. "Yeah, right."

*     *     *     *     *

An English professor announced to the class; "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."
From the back of the room a voice called out, "So, what are the words?"

Learning From History

A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games.
In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
The son replied, "When Lincoln was your age, he was the president of the United States."

Worth Fighting For

The fact is, that to do anything in the world worth doing, we must not stand back shivering and thinking of the cold and danger, but jump in and scramble through as well as we can.

- Richard Cushing