The Bible in 50 Words

God made
Adam bit
Noah arked
Abraham split
Joseph ruled
Jacob fooled
Bush talked
Moses balked
Pharaoh plagued
People walked
Sea divided
Tablets guided
Promised landed
Saul freaked
David peeked
Prophets warned
Jesus born
God walked
Love talked
Anger crucified
Hope died
Love rose
Spirit flamed
Word spread
God remained.

Conversion

“What must be destroyed, then, is the old way of thinking, and this must be replaced with a new nature. This is all accomplished when Christ, by His Spirit, is invited to take up residence within us. "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me."...
We must never assume that conversion is simply obeying commands. It is much more than outward performance. It is allowing our vary nature to be changed so that from the heart we are participants in the things of God.”

Artificial Intelligence

Several years ago we had an office junior who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

Inspiration

The great composer does not set to work because he is inspired, but becomes inspired because he is working. Beethoven, Wagner, Bach, and Mozart settled down day after day to the job in hand. They didn't waste time waiting for inspiration. - Ernest Newman

Individual and Team

My wife and I were in Sydney, Australia, and we had an opportunity to attend a performance of the Sydney Philharmonic Orchestra at the famed Opera House... When we arrived thirty minutes early, the orchestra members were already warming up... As they warmed up, the music sounded like noise to me.
At one minute before eight the conductor walked onto the stage. Immediately everybody sat up straight. As he stepped onto the riser, everybody came to attention. At eight o'clock he raised the baton, and when his arms came down, the music started. What had been noise a few seconds earlier became a beautiful melody.
The orchestra leader had converted a team of all-stars to an all-star team... No one instrument dominated any other; rather, each harmonized with and became part of the others.
The conductor had, for a number of years, been a musician in an orchestra. He had learned to be obedient and follow the orchestra conductor when he was a performer. In short, he had learned to obey so that later he could command.
I once saw a young man with a T-shirt emblem proclaiming, "I follow no one." What a tragedy! Because until he learns to follow, he will never be able to lead. – Zig Ziglar

A Prayer for Quiet

I have, O Lord, a noisy heart. And entering outward silence doesn’t stop the inner clamour. In fact, it seems only to make it worse. When I am full of activity, the internal noise is only a distant rumble; but when I get still, the rumble amplifies itself. And it is not like the majestic sound of a symphony rising to a grand crescendo; rather it is the deafening din of clashing pots and clanging pans. What a racket! Worst of all, I feel helpless to hush the interior pandemonium.
Dear Lord Jesus, once you spoke peace to the wind and the waves. Speak your shalom over my heart. I wait silently … patiently. I receive into the very core of my being your loving command, ‘Peace, be still.’
Amen.

from Richard Foster, Prayers from the Heart

Achievements

Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible.

- Doug Larson-

It’s all in how you tell it

An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company.
The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly.
To show just "how" the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:
"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 1996 Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game."

Boxed Kisses

Some time ago a friend of mine punished his 3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight, and he became infuriated when the child tried to decorate a box to put under the tree. Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift to her father the next morning and said, "This is for you, Daddy." He was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared up again when he found that the box was empty. He yelled at her, "Don't you know that when you give someone a present there's suppose to be something inside of it?" The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, "Oh, Daddy it's not empty. I blew kisses into the box. All for you, Daddy." The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little girl, and he begged her forgiveness. My friend told me that he kept the gold box by his bed for years. Whenever he was discouraged, he would take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who put it there. In a very real sense, each of us has been given a gold container filled with unconditional love and kisses. There is not more precious possession anyone could hold.

First Funeral

A young minister, in the first days at his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died.
Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, "I know this must be a very hard time, Mrs. Vernon. But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell - the nut has gone to Heaven."

Reading the Bible

Some seem to expect the Word of God to hit them like a jolt of adrenaline each time they read or study it. Although the "jolt" may hit us periodically, the benefits of the Word of God act more like vitamins. People who regularly take vitamins do so because of their long-term benefits, not because every time they swallow one of the pills, they feel new strength surging through their bodies. They have developed a habit of consistently taking vitamins because they have been told that, in the long haul, vitamin supplements are going to have a beneficial effect on their physical health, resistance to disease and, general well-being The same is true of reading the Bible. At times it will have a sudden and intense impact on us. However, the real value lies in the cumulative effects that long-term exposure to God's Word will bring to our lives.

How to Give Your Cat a Pill

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice kitty." Drop pill into its mouth. The retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.
2. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth with right forefinger. Then retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse to get new cat.)
3. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just as well. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
4. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and... Oooops!
5. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws are causing the chaos.
6. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on floor.
7. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to flatten cat.)
8. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man-or woman.
9. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.
10. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours). Take two aspirins and lie down.

by Peggy Althoff

Some Powerful Motivation

A U.S. Army officer told of the contrast in his pupils during two different eras of teaching at the artillery training school at Fort Sill, Oklahoma. In 1958; the attitude was so lax that the instructors had a problem getting the men to stay awake to listen. During the 1965; classes, however, the men, hearing the same basic lectures, were alert and took copious notes. The reason: these men knew that in less than six weeks they would be facing the enemy in Vietnam. One reason that Bible study seems to be irrelevant to many Christians is that they have no interaction with non- Christians, no vital ministry to growing believers, and no personal and internal struggle for godliness, all of which are factors that bring the truths of the Bible to apply to life.

Is Your Hut Burning?

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.
Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions.
But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky. The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stunned with grief and anger. "God, how could you do this to me!" he cried.
Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied.
It is easy to get discouraged when things are going bad. But we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of pain and suffering. Remember, next time your little hut is burning to the ground - it just may be a smoke signal that summons the grace of God.

New era?

The means by which we live have outdistanced the ends for which we live. Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Losing our Bible?

A story is told of a devout father whose son was studying for the ministry. The son decided to go to Europe for an advanced degree, and the father worried that his simple faith would be spoiled by sophisticated, unbelieving professors. "Don't let them take Jonah away from you," he admonished, figuring the swallowed- by-a-great-fish story might be the first part of the Bible to go. Two years later when the son returned, the father asked, "Do you still have Jonah in your Bible?" The son laughed. "Jonah! That story isn't even in your Bible!" The father replied, "It certainly is! What do you mean?" Again the son laughed and insisted, "It's not in your Bible. Go ahead, show it to me." The old man fumbled through his Bible, looking for the Book of Jonah, but he couldn't find it. At last he checked the table of contents for the proper page. When he turned there, he discovered the three pages comprising Jonah had been carefully cut from his Bible "I did it before I went away," said the son. "What's the difference whether I lose the Book of Jonah through studying under non-believers or you lose it through neglect?"

Production

Times of general calamity and confusion create great minds. The purest ore is produced from the hottest furnace, and the brightest thunderbolt is elicited from the darkest storms.

- Charles Caleb Colton -

Making the Hard Choices

Have you ever seen a straight river? Canals are straight, but all rivers seem to be crooked. We call it "meandering." Why are rivers crooked? Because the natural tendency of a river is to take the easiest way around any obstacle. So rivers are always crooked, and they always run downhill. Some people are like rivers - always following the line of least resistance; too lazy or immature to put forth much effort into the journey of faith, into shaping their spiritual identity. It is always easier to watch TV than it is to pray; easier to read the newspaper than the Bible; easier to stay as we are than confront difficult realities in ourselves and work for transformation; easier to complain about the world as it is rather than be part of its change and part of a better future...

Knowing Your Gifts

One of the great modern church searches is for individuals to find their spiritual gifts. And it is an important search. However, it seems to me that the people who are best placed to see and affirm our spiritual gifts do not look back at us when we shave in the morning (or put on our makeup!) The greatest way to discover gifts is to point them out in others. In that way, we can help each other fulfil the plan that God has for us, both individually, and as a church!
Look for, and affirm the gifts you see in others!

The Communal Need

When I first became a Christian, about fourteen years ago, I thought that I could do it on my own, by retiring to my rooms and reading theology, and wouldn't go to the churches and Gospel Halls; . . . . I disliked very much their hymns which I considered to be fifth-rate poems set to sixth-rate music. But as I went on I saw the merit of it. I came up against different people of quite different outlooks and different education, and then gradually my conceit just began peeling off. I realized that the hymns (which were just sixth-rate music) were, nevertheless, being sung with devotion and benefit by an old saint in elastic-side boots in the opposite pew, and then you realize that you aren't fit to clean those boots. It gets you out of your solitary conceit

- C.S. Lewis -

If only God were...

A Sunday School teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring their letter back the following Sunday. One little boy wrote, "Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish you could have been there."

Top 10 Hymns for the Aged

10. It is Well with My Soul (but my legs are tired).
9. "Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing"
8. "Amazing Grace (considering My Age)".
7. "Just a Slower Walk with Thee"
6. "Count Your Many Birthdays, Name them one by one"
5. "Go Tell it on the Mountain - and Speak up !"
4. "Give Me That Old Timer's Religion".
3. "Blessed Insurance"
2. "Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah - I've Forgotten where I Parked"
And the NUMBER ONE HYMN is...
1. "Nearer, My God, to Thee".

Good Advice

Edited from material handed out at freshman orientation at the University of Minnesota.
• Never give up because life gets harder as you get older. After preschool the road of life keeps getting bumpier and bumpier and bumpier - Angela, age 11
• Take risks. I mean, if you like this person and you don't know if they like you, ask them out and see what happens. I liked this girl and I asked her out. She said no and she hates me now, but I took that risk - Bruce, age 13
• A realist is more correct about things in life than an optimist. But the optimist seems to have more friends and much more fun. - Megan, age 14
• Don't think life is easy, because when you get older it is hard work. I used to think life was easy, now I have to do the dishes every other day. - Nick, age 9
•Never blow in a cat's ear because if you do, usually after three or four times, they will bite your lips! And they don't let go for at least a minute. - Lisa, age 9.

Signs Of Stress

1. Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.
2. You can achieve a "runner's high" just by sitting up.
3. Trees begin chasing you.
4. You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
5. You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
6. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
7. You and Reality file for a divorce.
8. It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
9. Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
10. You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row about it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.

Sayings

• Words can't break bones, but they can break hearts.
• Those who walk with God won't run from people's needs.
• Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, but faith looks up.
• We're richer when we give and poorer when we keep.
• Because of the cross of Christ, we can become friends of Christ.
• Amid the darkness of sin, the light of God's grace shines in.
• Enthusiasm for Christ is contagious; has anyone caught it from you?
• Be as patient with others as God has been with you.
• It is better by far to die for something, than to live for nothing.
• The God who sends you will also sustain you.

- Maria Hutchison

Time to Act

There are many fine things that you mean to do some day, under what you think will be more favourable circumstances. But the only time that is surely yours is the present, so this is the time to speak the word of appreciation and sympathy, to do the generous deed, to forgive the fault of a thoughtless friend, to sacrifice a little more for others.
Today is the day to express your noblest qualities of mind and heart, to do at least one worthy thing that you have long postponed. Today you can make your life significant and worthwhile. The present is yours to do with as you will.

- Grenville Kleiser -

Life's Discipline

Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realise it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognise it as such.

- Henry Miller -

Keep On

Do not undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. It is because we are different that each of us is special.
Do not set your goals by what other people deem important. Only you know what is best for you.
Do not let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past nor for the future. By living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life.
Do not give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying. It is a fragile thread that binds us to each other.
Do not be afraid to encounter risks. It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.
Do not shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find. The quickest way to receive love is to give love; The fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly.
Life is not a race, but a journey to be savoured each step of the way.

Children

A group of expectant fathers were in a waiting room, while their wives were in the process of delivering babies. A nurse came in and announced to one man that his wife had just given birth to twins. "That's quite a coincidence" he responded, "I play for the Minnesota Twins!" A few minutes later another nurse came in and announced to another man that he was the father of triplets. "That's amazing," he exclaimed, "I work for the 3M company." At that point, a third man slipped off his chair and laid down on the floor. Somebody asked him if he was feeling ill. "No," he responded, "I happen to work for the 7-up company."

Good Memory

An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock. The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.
"What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile.
The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago."
The crocodile says, "And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory."
"Yep," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."